When I was younger, I would have killed to be seen and noticed because I generally felt ignored and invisible. It would have done wonders for me career-wise, no doubt, to have had a strong magnetic presence. Nowadays, I would just like to have the liberty to live a pleasant, simple life without needing to be seen.
The penny dropped perhaps during the pandemic. I realised I had wasted a lot of time chasing dreams I don't really have and trying so hard to belong in a world that does not want me.
So... I want to write. Yes, right now, that's what I feel like. There is no desire in me to be accepted or included. There is no ambition in me to finally get a dream job at some superstar corporation. My only wish is to be able to read and write at my leisure, to be granted the opportunity to be creative without any pressure to please the world. Again, a world that does not want me anyway.
Alas, I cannot afford much quality time to write, either because I have to work to make a living or because I feel too ill or burned out when I finally get this coveted spare time.
Recently, I took several days off work to write, and that's exactly when everything broke down. One week without Internet, and another three days without electricity in a very cold flat. Life is never easy, and time is really golden. It is so painful to see it slip through your fingers like that. I still did some writing and even drew inspiration from my little chain of misfortunes, so there's that.
But I digress.
Why don't I want to be seen?
Partially, because of my face and the vibe I give off. It is never right, it gets me nowhere. I can be well liked , that is not hard at all. Actually, I have often been described as 'likeable' and even 'easy to deal with,' but being regarded as nice is probably one of the worst things that can happen to you. People flock to you when they seek positive stimuli from you, but doors slam in your face when it is the other way around.
The curse is this. My face is gentle. People assume I am gentle. In fact, they're not entirely wrong. Gentleness, though, is not appealing, nor attractive. You won't get much out of life if that's the way you come across. If I want to be an author of kinky erotica, a look at my soft, plain face won't help much. It will just drive away the few peeps that find my work.
To be frank, I am disappointed that writing requires a magnetic presence. Writing is in essence a faceless occupation, but in our day and age, you are expected to show your face, to build your personal branding and so on. And if that is so, that's fine. I just lack the energy and time to write, work to pay the bills, neurotically design a marketing plan, be active on social media and publicise myself.
I just to want to write. And read. And be happy. I should throw that penny in a magic wishing well.
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